Take a moment to bring yourself back to your elementary school’s Valentine’s Day celebration. You know the deal – everybody would bring in those cheesy cards to drop in everybody else’s homemade boxes.
If you were lucky, you had a few generous classmates who would bring in some candy with those Valentines. Suckers, Fun Dip and Nerds were some of the most popular.
One of my personal favorites, though? Conversation hearts. Those chalky but strangely tasty candies were always a highlight of the day. While they tasted good, their defining feature was the small phrases printed on them, like “Crazy 4 you” or “Hug me.”
Now that it’s 2022, I figure we could use a refresh on some of those old taglines. I present some of my best ideas … which might not be elementary school-friendly, or short enough to fit on the candy.
“I’d swipe right on u”
With the dating app craze still in full force, this is an easy one. Who doesn’t want to be told by a piece of candy that they’d be desirable to a stranger that found your dating profile on the internet?
This is also a great marketing idea. Get on it, Tinder.
“Simping 4 u”
There’s no better synonym for “obsessed” or “clingy” than “simping” these days. Whether it’s good or bad is up for your own interpretation. Either way, I think it would look great on a piece of candy.
“Ur pushin P, babe”
Ever wanted to tell somebody you think that they’re a real one using a conversation heart? Then this is the phrase for you.
Rapper Gunna started pushin’ the phrase online in mid-January, and it’s taken the world by storm since. For those confused about what exactly “P” means, Gunna has gone on the record with examples.
“If you hold the door for a lady, that’s P,” Gunna said on Instagram Live last month. “Arguing with your partner about money ain’t P. We ain’t doing that. We’re pushing P.”
Getting a candy heart with the blue “P” emoji on it? That’s P.
“Ur thicc”
Straightforward. To the point. No hidden meanings here.
“I’d quarantine with u”
What’s more romantic than spending five to seven days isolated from the rest of the world together? A little forward for a conversation heart, maybe, but there’s no better sign of the times than something related to COVID-19. The ole Q-word might be tough to squeeze in there, but it’s worth a shot.
Runner up: “Don’t isolate your heart from me.”
“DM me”
This one sounds a little sketchy, but it’s specifically directed at Brach’s Candy, in case they’re looking for some new ideas. Seriously, my DM’s are open.
